Friday, September 16, 2011

Well it's another day...Another day of missing everyone, another day of feeling crappy, another day of just blah. I'm tired of feeling sad and depressed all the time. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough around the house. I'm tired of feeling distant from my husband. I'm just tired. Not physically (let's face it, i don't do enough to be physically tired), but emotionally. I don't remember feeling this way with my first pregnancy, but then again not all pregnancies are the same. I would think at least mine would be though. I can't wait until my next appointment on wednesday. The last time i went the dr. had told me about a counseling program, but of course i can't remember where or when it is, so i'm gonna ask her when i go next week. Hopefully that will help me. I also wanted to try and find a church out here. (when does church NOT help right?) A friend of mine told me about one out here, unfortunately i looked it up and it's an hour away :( i might still go at least once to check it out. I am willing to drive that far at this point. 
Yesterday i had another wonderful "episode" of back nerve pain. Corey was at work, and I was playing with Ami in her room. She is so talkative and excited to tell me everything, it's the cutest thing. Sometimes it's too much i don't know what she's saying! But i layed on the floor on my side, and when i went to get up, i couldn't. My nerves just shoot pain all through my back and legs, it's unbearable. So i kind of wait of few minutes, and try again. Nothing. So i ask Ami to grab my phone which is down by my feet. I'm trying not to freak out, so since i'm calm Ami thinks it's a game and takes about 5 minutes before she actually brings it to me. When i look at my phone i have a text from corey saying he has to take chow to guys in the field, and he won't be home till 8. (it was about 5 at this point). Of course, i freak out, because i dont know how i'm gonna get off the floor, let alone get out to the kitchen to feed Ami and myself. I call him (crying of course) and tell him what's going on, and how i can't move. He immediately tells me he will have someone cover him and he gets home pretty quick. He wanted to take me to the emergency room, but i didn't really wanna go. I mean, it's not like they were gonna do anything for me, as i experience just 2 days before. He is kind of annoyed with me though. Why would i not want to go and try and get some help? But i have my reasons, and honestly, i don't need anyone getting mad at me right now. So we have a little fight, on top of everything. Mind you, i'm still laying on the floor. I told him just help me out to the living room and let me rest for a minute and maybe it will go away. Then he decides to inform me that he told his 1st Sgt that he was gonna take me and would bring back paper work to him. So now i feel guilty for not going (again something i really don't need at this point). Sometimes, i feel like he doesn't understand what's going through my head right now. I don't think anybody does. Now i'm not using this blog to bash on my husband, so if you're reading this and think i'm being ridiculous, i don't care. I love him, and we were fine within 10 minutes. But i'm so tired of feeling guilty for having these emotions. If i wanna cry about something, let me cry. If i'm moody and don't feel like talking, don't sit here and pout about it. If i don't clean up my dishes when i'm done eating, do it for me, please. By the way, i have told all of this to corey, and he reads this, so it's not new to him. 
I don't think i have ever felt more useless and disgusting in my life. I hardly do my hair anymore, why should i? I shower and just let it dry on it's own, or put it up. We know how crazy my hair can get. I literally feel like i'm just a lump on the couch. I feel like my husband sees me as lazy. I feel like ami wants me to play with her, but i can't, and that is the worst feeling. I think out of everything, that's what is bothering me the most. She deserves a good mommy that will play with her. A mommy that will show her a good example. Not someone that sits and does nothing. I don't know.....I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish i could fast forward to having this baby, and going back to my normal self. I wish i could stop feeling guilty all the time. I wish i could just have a hug from my mom. Or sister. Anybody. Corey gives me plenty, but i wish i had a woman here who knows what kind of emotions i'm feeling right now you know? 
Just breathe. That's what I keep telling myself. That's all I can do. Anyway. I'm done for today. I'm gonna try and nap now. Get rid of this headache i now have. 

Monday, September 12, 2011

Am I ever gonna catch a break?

First of all, I want to say i love the commercial for the Kia soul, with the dancing hampsters and robots. It just came on, and I think it's hilarious.
Now, if I'm too much of an emotional mess and you're tired of reading all my crap, then do me a favor, and stop reading :) I'm so up to here with people's negative comments, whether they be straight to me, or behind my back. I'm tired of it. I feel like I have done nothing wrong in life to deserve this crap I'm going through.
I have been having back problems since pretty much the beginning of my pregnancy. It was mostly dull, tense pain, in my lower back. But now, i have the lovely Sciatic nerve pain. If you don't know what that is, google it. It's very painful, and common during pregnancy (yippee). It's a nerve pain in my lower back, almost as low as my butt, and it goes all the way down to my feet. I have learned what my limits are, so if i'm doing stuff around the house, and it starts to hurt, i stop. And that usually prevents it. So i have just learned to deal with it. What other choice do I have? I know it's temporary, and in the end, i get an awesome reward :)
All weekend corey has wanted to go to the fair in Puyallup (pronounced PEW-ALL-UP). I'm not a big fan of fairs, and never have been. But he seemed very excited about it. Today was military appreciation day, so it was free for us to get in. So i decided why not? It's a perfect time to use my camera :) It was overcast, so it was pretty cool (thank goodness) and it wasn't too crowded because most people were at work. We ate some fried food, played games, and ami got to ride a few rides. We were only there for about 2 hours, but I could feel my back telling me to slow down much earlier. I tried to sit down wheneve I could, and we limited walking far after that. We stayed in a pretty close circle and just did a few things with ami. She was having a blast, but i was hurting. BAD. We decide to leave (ami was hungry and ready for a nap, you can imagine the kind of melt down we had!) Corey walked to the car and picked us up near the entrance of the place, as close as he could get with all the cones everywhere. As soon as i got in the car and stopped moving, my back said "Hi remember me! I hate you today!" It was the worst pain i have had this entire pregnancy. It was only my left side, with pain shooting all the way down to my foot. I layed on my right side to try and relieve some pain, and that made it worse. I started crying, (yes i know) and corey knew it was worse than usual. All i kept thinking was "Why? why can't i just enjoy one day with my family without having pain to ruin it?" He asked if i wanted to go to the emergency room, but ami was so crabby I just wanted to get home to bed. Ami actually fell asleep with a french fry in her hand, it was the funniest thing. So we get home, i go lay down with ami, and i can't get comfortable to make the pain go away. Ami decided she had a long enough nap in the car (15 minutes) so i asked corey to take me to the dr. They have a walk in area at the ob section of the hospital, so we went there. Luckily we only had to wait about 5 minutes to get seen. So the guy comes in, asks what's wrong, asks how bad the pain is, and guess what the verdict is? Pregnancy!!! Well i could have told myself that. Duh. I'm here for you to tell me what i can do to make it stop! And what's the answer to that? Stretch! Ok well thank you for that dude, really, I don't know what i would have done without your wonderful advice. Also, manage my weight, because that could make it worse. Look guy, I'm hungry as a whale, I'm gonna eat what I want, and as far as i can tell, I'm pretty much past the point of managing my weight. It's not like i can diet. Its not safe for the baby. So he gives me a pamphlet. A pamphlet. All about "Sciatica". Also, a brace that i have to go walk across the whole hospital to get. So we walk to the other side of hospital, and get pointed to 3 different places (all by rude people) only to be greeted by yet another rude worker who hates their job. Here's a tip lady, get a new job! It's not California, i'm sure you can find SOMETHING. She asks for my slip, looks at it, and says "can you bring this back tomorrow?" i was like uh sure? Corey was not having it lol. He said what time do you close? She says 3:30. He looks at his watch and guess what time it was? 3:31!!!!!! He said "you're really not gonna take her because of one minute and make us come back?" she mumbled something about being busy and ready to close. That just put me over the edge. How can someone be so inconsiderate? I understand people wanna get off work and go home. I get that i do. But honestly i like to think that if i was working there, and i saw a pregnant woman who looked like hell like i did today, i would help her out. Especially being a woman i thought she would understand. But no. I'm gonna have to go back tomorrow.
I'm so exhausated from crying so much, and i'm in pain, I just wish i could sleep (but of course, that's left the building too).
Well thanks for reading my rant, i'm sure there will be plenty more to come. 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Hormones? I think so :)

Hello everyone! I hope you all are having a nice day! As for us out here in Washington, we are doing well. We went to the circus on my birthday, and Ami loved it! She hardly sat in her chair, but she was dancing and shakin her booty the whole time. It was so cute to watch. That was what I wanted for my birthday. I love spending time with my family, I would rather have that than any gift. The elephants freaked me out, because we were in the second row, maybe 20 feet away from them. So the whole time I couldn't enjoy watching them, instead I was thinking of an escape plan! The rest of the show was awesome though! Some of the things those people do are crazy! Motorcycles on a tight rope, guys flippin around (while wearing no shirts lol), and girls hanging from a rope from their hair! It was crazy. I couldn't take my new camera in, and my phone wasn't getting good pictures because of all the lights.
That day was pretty much the only good day I have had in about a week. Anyone who has ever been pregnant, knows how crazy your emotions can get. One minute, I'm happy, the next, i'm crying and have no idea why. One day corey brought home Krispy Kreme, and I cried because it sounded so good i couldn't handle it lol. But lately, I don't know if i just miss home, or if there is seriously something wrong with me! Who am I kidding, I know i miss everyone in Cali. I miss my dad's cooking, I miss watching shows with my mom, I miss going into my sister's room to borrow something and practially running out because of the hairspray fumes ha. I miss my brother's humor, we can joke about everything. I miss my youngest brother's preteen attitude (believe it or not). I miss my friends, Nikkie, Drea, Christina, Tricia, Amanda, Raven. I even miss a very old friend who i haven't seen in probably 5 or 6 years (Sara). I miss being able to just go visit my extended family too (in-laws).  Being here, I know maybe a few people, but it seems like people around us don't really bother getting to know each other because there is always a cycle of new people coming in. Just since we came in March, I have seen 4 house on our street alone get new families. So I understand not wanting to get close to people. I found a group online for Ft. Lewis moms, and that was fun, and i met a couple nice girls.  I don't know, lately i feel very down, and we haven't even had rainy weather. Imagine how it's gonna be when the rain comes back! ugh.
And now, it's starting to effect my husband too. I honestly don't know how i got so lucky with someone as amazing as Corey, and most of you reading this have had the pleasure of meeting him. But he has seem more on edge lately, and I know it's because i am first. I am so hormonal, and homesick, and just plain uncomfortable 24/7. Who else am i supposed to take it out on right? Wrong. Yes, he is the only one around (besides our 2 year old), so i guess it seems easiest to complain to him about everything. But i have noticed him being in a bad mood too lately, and let's face it, that's not Corey. But anytime i ask him what's wrong, it's nothing, and he doesn't want to fight about it. I know he's probably irritated with me, because i'm difficult, i know that. I have a bad temper normally, and that's hard to admit, but it 's true. I'm not saying i'm gonna punch you out if you look at me weird, but people just annoy me lol. But if you add pregnancy hormones to that, oh boy watch out. Now the way i have learned to not cause problems, is to just stay quiet when something is annoying me, but of course, that makes corey ask me waht's wrong. repeatedly. and THAT annoys me. Just leave me alone. I feel bad, because i'm causing him to be on edge now. Anyway, i feel like i'm kind of rambling right now, and corey's got this towing show on that's really interesting haha. So i'm just gonna end it here. Basically if you pray, than feel free to pray for me and my family, just for peace, and patience. I can't wait to go home! If you don't, well send me a text to cheer me up now and then! lol I miss you all!
Also, take a moment to remember all those lives lost on 9/11 ten years ago, and for the families of those people. It was such a tragic day, and it kinda makes me feel silly for being annoyed that the juice was left out :p