Well it's another day...Another day of missing everyone, another day of feeling crappy, another day of just blah. I'm tired of feeling sad and depressed all the time. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough around the house. I'm tired of feeling distant from my husband. I'm just tired. Not physically (let's face it, i don't do enough to be physically tired), but emotionally. I don't remember feeling this way with my first pregnancy, but then again not all pregnancies are the same. I would think at least mine would be though. I can't wait until my next appointment on wednesday. The last time i went the dr. had told me about a counseling program, but of course i can't remember where or when it is, so i'm gonna ask her when i go next week. Hopefully that will help me. I also wanted to try and find a church out here. (when does church NOT help right?) A friend of mine told me about one out here, unfortunately i looked it up and it's an hour away :( i might still go at least once to check it out. I am willing to drive that far at this point. 

Yesterday i had another wonderful "episode" of back nerve pain. Corey was at work, and I was playing with Ami in her room. She is so talkative and excited to tell me everything, it's the cutest thing. Sometimes it's too much i don't know what she's saying! But i layed on the floor on my side, and when i went to get up, i couldn't. My nerves just shoot pain all through my back and legs, it's unbearable. So i kind of wait of few minutes, and try again. Nothing. So i ask Ami to grab my phone which is down by my feet. I'm trying not to freak out, so since i'm calm Ami thinks it's a game and takes about 5 minutes before she actually brings it to me. When i look at my phone i have a text from corey saying he has to take chow to guys in the field, and he won't be home till 8. (it was about 5 at this point). Of course, i freak out, because i dont know how i'm gonna get off the floor, let alone get out to the kitchen to feed Ami and myself. I call him (crying of course) and tell him what's going on, and how i can't move. He immediately tells me he will have someone cover him and he gets home pretty quick. He wanted to take me to the emergency room, but i didn't really wanna go. I mean, it's not like they were gonna do anything for me, as i experience just 2 days before. He is kind of annoyed with me though. Why would i not want to go and try and get some help? But i have my reasons, and honestly, i don't need anyone getting mad at me right now. So we have a little fight, on top of everything. Mind you, i'm still laying on the floor. I told him just help me out to the living room and let me rest for a minute and maybe it will go away. Then he decides to inform me that he told his 1st Sgt that he was gonna take me and would bring back paper work to him. So now i feel guilty for not going (again something i really don't need at this point). Sometimes, i feel like he doesn't understand what's going through my head right now. I don't think anybody does. Now i'm not using this blog to bash on my husband, so if you're reading this and think i'm being ridiculous, i don't care. I love him, and we were fine within 10 minutes. But i'm so tired of feeling guilty for having these emotions. If i wanna cry about something, let me cry. If i'm moody and don't feel like talking, don't sit here and pout about it. If i don't clean up my dishes when i'm done eating, do it for me, please. By the way, i have told all of this to corey, and he reads this, so it's not new to him. 

I don't think i have ever felt more useless and disgusting in my life. I hardly do my hair anymore, why should i? I shower and just let it dry on it's own, or put it up. We know how crazy my hair can get. I literally feel like i'm just a lump on the couch. I feel like my husband sees me as lazy. I feel like ami wants me to play with her, but i can't, and that is the worst feeling. I think out of everything, that's what is bothering me the most. She deserves a good mommy that will play with her. A mommy that will show her a good example. Not someone that sits and does nothing. I don't know.....I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish i could fast forward to having this baby, and going back to my normal self. I wish i could stop feeling guilty all the time. I wish i could just have a hug from my mom. Or sister. Anybody. Corey gives me plenty, but i wish i had a woman here who knows what kind of emotions i'm feeling right now you know? 

Just breathe. That's what I keep telling myself. That's all I can do. Anyway. I'm done for today. I'm gonna try and nap now. Get rid of this headache i now have.