Life Update!

Yay it's naptime for the girls! Lol that means i get to blog finally! I know I said I would do it the other day but I left my laptop at my parents' house so I couldn't :(

So, many of you probably already know what's going on with me, but some may not. Again, sorry if i'm random. My thoughts are just all crazy in my head! And also, if you think this is all too personal and I shouldn't be sharing, then don't read :) I just want everyone to know that I am not doing this to bash anybody, and I have respect for Corey and his family who may read this. This is not meant to start any war, it's for my own self. It helps to write stuff out sometimes, and I don't mind sharing my life and what I have learned. Maybe someone reading this will be going through something similar and find some inspiration in my blog :)  Ok....here it goes..

I am now a single mother. It goes back to the holidays....Me and Corey were having some issues (what couple doesn't?) We had a baby on the way, christmas coming up, and it was hard. I'm not gonna deny that. I know I wasn't the easiest person to deal with. But any woman who has been pregnant knows how hard it is. I'm not making excuses for my "edgy" attitude, but just know guys, it's not all rainbows and smiles! Anyway, I guess our problems were more sever than I thought, because there was talk that he wanted to just end it. Ok. So I do everything in my power to try and change my attitude. I obviously didn't want my marriage to end. But I felt like my efforts were going unnoticed, and any time i was feeling slightly irritated, or just tired from being pregnant, it was like i wasn't allowed to feel that way. I can't perfect all the time ;) So the christmas season was not as happy as i would have hoped. I felt like i was faking it in front of my entire family and all of our friends, like we were this happy couple. But at the end of the day, there were many tears, and many sleepless nights of me worrying if i was going to have a husband anymore. This went on for almost 2 weeks. Then miss Samantha entered into the world, and let me tell you, that was the best and worst feeling. I had this beautiful new baby in my arms, and I had a man who I didn't even know anymore sitting next to me. He was different. He wasn't the same caring husband i thought he was. He started smoking again, cussing more, and even listening to weird music.. they seem like minor things but they all together made him to be someone i didn't recognize anymore. 

We had a big talk a few days after coming home from the hospital. We both cried, I told him i was willing to do anything to keep our marriage together, and we agreed we would do counseling or whatever we had to to make this work. Things were going really well. Then when it was time to go back home to washington, we realized we wouldn't be able to afford it until taxes came. So he left and a few weeks later was going to return for us. That all changed shortly after he got there. He was just done. It was like out of sight out of mind. It was so easy for him to just say goodbye, while i was left here with a shattered heart and 2 beautiful girls to take care of by myself. And this all happened while I was up in Santa Barbara with my best friend. Thank God i was with her and not home alone. She was amazing. She let me cry the whole way home! (so sorry Nikkie lol) There were so many thoughts running through me head. My girls are going to have to split holidays, weekends, they're not gonna have the same last name as me, Ami is gonna wonder why i'm crying so much. It was way too much to handle. I stopped eating for a couple days, and i didn't wanna see anyone or do anything. Yet I had to because my girls were depending on me. I thought my world was over, but then I would see my beautiful daughter Ami playing and smiling at me. She doesn't need to see me so upset. I'm the one she's going to look up to. So I didn't really have much time to be sad. 

It's been 3 months since that day. And I am much stronger than i have ever been, and i'm very happy with life right now. I don't know what I would do without my family and closest friends. My parents have been amazing. My dad flew to Washington and drove a truck back with all of our stuff. They both babysit when I have to run to the store. They have been there to support me and be a shoulder to cry on whenever I needed them. Same with my siblings. My sister would give me just a simple hug whenever I would see her. My brothers are a little more quiet about the whole thing (they're boys after all). But I know they don't like what's going on either. My friends have been amazing too. Some of them wanted to kill him at first, no need for that ladies lol. But i'm so thankful I had them. Nikkie, Drea, Tricia, Christina, Raven, Jennie, Amanda, Berns, and my family, Carissa, Andrea, Ginger, you have all helped me in one way or another...Whether it's letting me call you crying, or just sending me a text to tell me you're thinking about me or babysitting for me, I appreciate EVERY one of you. 

So the next chapter of my life is about to start. My parents, me and the girls, and my brothers are all moving to a new house next week. It's much bigger, so we can get away from our huge family if we want some alone time ;) and it's in Ontario, so I will be much closer to everyone again. I'm still currently at Corey's dad's house in Corona, and him and Marie have also been amazing. I'm really excited to move, get my own room, and start my life again. It's not easy going through a divorce at such a young age, especially with 2 little ones, but i have to say i am very happy with the way it's going so far. It's been civil between me and Corey, almost friendly (almost lol). He was down 2 weekends ago visiting the girls, and i saw him, and it was fine. I was nervous about it obviously, but i couldn't have asked for it to go better. I got to enjoy and entire weekend to myself, and it was so nice. He told me he appreciates that i do all of this by myself, and doesn't know how I do it. I'm glad i'm getting some recognition, especially for him, because it's not easy.

Well that's my story up to now! I'm doing great, my girls are growing every day and they bring me so much joy. I have reconnected with some old friends, made some new ones, and become closer to the ones i had already. I know that my future will be a good one. And maybe one day if i'm meant to get married again, he will love me AND my girls. I don't think it gets much better than that. I don't know what's in store for me, but I know that this just means I will find something better, and amazing, and i will be happy. I refuse to let anyone take my happiness away. I have my girls to keep me smiling anyway :)